Sorry I've been MIA, but things have been really hard lately.
Normally I wouldn't post such a personal blog because blogs should really be happy and positive, but I need to get this out in order to heal.
The past 3 months have been very tough for me. May 11 I had a miscarriage. I was only 5 weeks but I was still devastated. We have been trying for over a year and it was my first pregnancy. I began the healing process knowing that it was best for the baby since it probably was not developing correctly. The body is amazing in that way. It knew the baby either wouldn't survive or would have a very hard life.
Four weeks went by and we found out that I was pregnant again! We were so excited and cautious at the same time. We had already been hurt and didn't want to go through it again. We had our first ultrasound and we saw the tiniest little baby. Too tiny to really see anything and my doctor told me I was about 5 weeks and to come back in 2 weeks for another ultrasound. So we scheduled another one on July 19 (our two year anniversary) because Jonathan already had it off. We went to the appointment only to discover that our baby was no longer there. It crushed me. The doctor told me I needed to have a D&C since it didn't look like the body was going to end the pregnancy naturally, so I had it yesterday.
I've been going through a lot of emotions and I'm completely devastated. I know that I meant to be a mother and that it will eventually happen for me, I just wanted this so badly. Most of my friends are either having babies or have already had babies. When will it be my turn to have a little one of my own?
Someday.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Life is just hard sometimes
Posted by April Tyson at 6:09 PM
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2 comments:
I was just going through the followers on my blog and came across you. :)
I'm so sorry you had to go though a miscarriage (twice). I know how hard it is. It's mentally and physically exhausting and it's just not fair.
I don't know where you're at in your healing process. I know some are able to move on quickly. I took a good long while to feel somewhat "normal" again (mentally at least). Just know that my thoughts are with you and I hope your dreams of being a Mommy come true soon. Hang in there.
Thank you Kate. I went through devastation, sadness, anger, and I am now finally in the healing process. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wonder... were they boys or girls, what would they have looked like, would they have been a doctor or teacher like me, etc. I will never forget them and I just hope that I will never have to go through it again. The next time I get pregnant I hope that nine months later I will get to hold that baby in my arms.
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